Job Applications

I'm becoming addicted with filling out job applications. Which I guess is a good thing. Even though they take SO long to fill out and every single damn application is the same. So far I have filled out 13 within the past 2 days. Here let me list them: Circle K, Kohls, Starbucks, JC Penny, Office Max, 24 Hr Fitness, Target, Best Buy, Staples, Petsmart, Sports Authority, The Coffee Bean, Blockbuster. Random ass places I tell ya...but I gotta take whatever I can get. My goal is to have a job within the next month. I don't know how realistic that is, but I'm going to stay optimistic and try NOT to get discouraged no matter what. 

I'm going to be 25 in a little over 3 months, man. I have GOT to get my shit together. 

Fathers

I'm sorry, but I can't stand my dad. The sight of him gets under my skin more often than not. I can't stand his voice, I can't stand his name, I can't stand the thought of him. This isn't ALL of the time, however...just MOST of the time. I don't know if it's because I'M always home and HE'S always home...maybe if I lived somewhere else I wouldn't continue having these horrible feelings about him. I hate how he doesn't try to get a 2nd job. I hate how he just lays in bed all day long on his days off. I hate how he's such a cheapskate. I hate how he cheated on my mom for years and years. I hate how he married someone else while still being married to my mom. I hate how he has 2 other kids. I hate how he lies about everything...where he's going, where he shops, EVERYTHING. I hate how he's totally fucked up my view on men. I hate how he continued to see his "other wife" years and years later after he was caught the first time. I hate the fact that my mom is still with him and still pays for his shit. My dad is a loser. I have not ONE SINGLE ounce of respect for him. Sometimes I wish he was dead, but that's only on my bad days...like today for instance. Deep deep down I don't wish he was dead, but he just gets on my last fucking nerves. Sometimes it takes every single ounce of strength within me not to lash out on him and cuss his ass out and list every horrible thing he's done to mom. Sometimes it takes a lot for me not to just grab a knife and stab him in the chest or punch his lights out. I know I sound like a crazy person, but I can't help how I feel.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...

2011 is slowly approaching...and it happens to be the year that I will be turning 25 years old. yikes!!! I usually say this every single new year, but I truly mean it more so than ever when I say that I want THIS YEAR to be the greatest ever. I mean, it kinda has to be seeing that I will be turning a "quarter of a century old."(I put that in quotations because everyone always says that about turning that age).

Just a little bit ago I was looking at old pictures on my Photobucket account (lol sounds funny saying that for some reason), and of course I was feeling completely nostalgic and missing all the great times with friends that are no longer my friends anymore. It got me thinking about friendship and how I don't take it as seriously as I should. Not even with those whom I claim are my "best friends." I blame it on the fact that I'm completely guarded and afraid of getting hurt. I figure that if I show that I don't care, it'll save me the disappointment of feeling rejected. I know that sounds completely retarded, but...it is what it is.

Having said all that, one of my BIG new year's resolutions is to be a better person; a better FRIEND. To not speak ill of those who were once in my life and meant a lot to me, but are no longer around. I'm quick to resent exes and "ex friends" once they're out of my life. I'm always like, "oh we should have never been friends in the first place..." "I could care less if so n so died..." etc etc. I'm telling you, I'm really harsh. But I just came to this...realization? conclusion? if you will...that every single one of these persons were put into my life for a reason. In some way they helped me grow. Taught me something about myself. Helped me in some way. They had a PURPOSE. I want to rid myself of all this hate I have lingering in me. I want to be able to just move on, instead of dwelling on everything. I put up a front that nothing bothers me and that I easily roll with the punches...but that is so not the case. I want to do all that I can to help make me a better human being. I owe that to myself...